At the screening of Despicable Me 2, I discovered that I could have become a contortionist, had I the will power to cut down on cheesecakes.
Angled at a degree that can only be described as awkward, with a dash of that-will-give-you-spondylitis, I squinted at the screen. Through the double shield of my own glasses and the 3D ones PVR gave me, darkness blinked back. Alright, fine. I’m exaggerating. The darkness did indeed have patches of motion picture. Like a kaleidoscope of blurred lines.
About 15 minutes into the film, I got the hang of it, now able to focus on Gru and the rampaging Minions. But only if I didn’t move while eating popcorn fidget. One hour, 38 minutes later, I got up with my head painfully stuck at an odd angle, my eyes copiously watering, and nursing a headache that lasted the rest of the day. Needless to say, as far as first dates go, my outing with 3D cinema was a total disaster.
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Like a special sort of bacteria from hell, the trend spread so rapidly, every other film ‘coming soon to theatres near me’ had the dreaded three dimensional tag now attached to it. In 2015, I had to congratulate myself for getting through the year without throwing a hissy fit. This was the year Avengers: Age of Ultron, Jurassic World , Mad Max: Fury Road, and Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them all released, after all. All in 3D.
But things quickly reached peak 3D in 2017.
Apologies for being the bearer of godawful news, but this is no longer a trend, but a calamity. The year that gave us Donald J Trump as the 45th POTUS, also gave us 37 films in 3D. Thirty bloody seven. Who called 2017 the Year of the Rooster, and not of corrosive migraine?
There’s no question that when a film’s been made specifically to be viewed on 3D, like Avatar, the migraine you barter the screening for, is worth it. But most 3D films are hardly on James Cameron’s level. Unlike Avatar, the films we usually watch are made on a largely dark palette and when viewed through sub-standard, ill-fitting 3D glasses – make things look distorted, unless angled just right. And heaven forbid, there’s a fast-paced action sequence, because hello nausea.
Case in point – xXx: The Return of Xander Cage, Kong: Skull Island, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2, Wonder Woman, Transformers: The Last Knight, Spider-Man: Homecoming, Thor: Ragnarok, Justice League, Jumanji – just to name a few of last year’s big action films.
Whenever someone, especially from the non-bespectacled gentry, declares they like ‘feeling’ in the thick of things as dangerous stunts are performed, or strange extinct beings are brought to life courtesy 3D, I admit I feel a Hulk-level rage. You ‘love the feel’ of a close brush with a vicious T-rex? Or willingly want to experience what it’s like to be trapped in a massive sandstorm in a loony, literally blood-sucking dystopian world? That’s just nasty. Take your medication, and sit down. As somebody whose vision blurs without glasses, and who cannot wear contact lens without causing an accidental eye infection, I do not empathise with the 3D fandom.
Unfortunately, even in 2018, this catastrophic trend will continue, thanks to the massive of amounts of money we pay for garbage cinematic experience. It’s making studios rich, in case you hadn’t figured it out as yet.
When you watch Avengers: Infinity War, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, Tomb Raider and Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation later this year, send up a prayer for me, will you? For me, my perpetually-crooked neck and my slow but steady descent into 3D-induced blindness.
As they sign off on social media, TIA.
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