Hidden desires of a patriotic movie buff: Tri-coloured popcorns, death sentence for torrent users

We can't thank the Supreme Court enough

Somi Das
Nov 30, 2016

This is the best time to be a patriotic Indian in India. I was already having a grand time sermonising those standing in ATM queues when the Supreme Court ruled playing national anthem would be mandatory before the screening of films in theaters. A sudden rush of patriotic fervour ran through my blood. I instantly rang up my friends in the US to tell how they must come back to India. That they were missing out on the fun of looking at the burned faces of libtard desh drohis. My sources tell me that these liberals are now thinking of downloading films on Torrent and boycotting theaters altogether. (More on that later)

I think the ruling is the best thing to have happened to us patriotic Indians in a long time. This decision of the Supreme Court makes our life’s only goal – finding, tracking and branding anti-nationals so much easier.

First, all those downloading pirated versions can be easily bracketed as anti-nationals. Not only they should be punished for supporting piracy, they must be put behind bars and awarded the death sentence for avoiding the opportunity of singing the national anthem.

Read more: Comedian Vir Das sums up the current state of India after demonetisation

Second, we now have the legal sanction to lynch mob anyone who refuses to stand up when the national anthem is being played. Showing disrespect to national anthem is punishable under the law. (BTW, Supreme court hasn’t told us what would happen if people don’t stand up, just like Bapu didn’t tell Munna bhai what to do if your enemy slaps you on both your cheeks.)

We will not spare anyone, even if they happen to be disabled. Remember, how we had physically assaulted the Goa artiste and poet who was sitting in a wheelchair. And why do disabled need to even visit the theater and bother other people?

If the theaters wanted them, they would have made disabled friendly theaters. So, since such theaters don’t exist, they can very well sit at home and sulk about inequality and right to live with dignity and other bull$*#t the liberals believe in.

Third. You know, there are some teenagers and newly-in-love curious young girls and boys who creep into empty halls to spend some time alone. By playing the national anthem, we will make sure we bring our girls and boys back to the right path and that their love for the country takes precedence over physical love.

Fourth. I am a regular movie watcher. This weekly patriotic pilgrimage of 52 seconds will remind me how the soldiers are dying at the borders, how prime minister Narendra Modi is sleeping just for 5 hours to run this country.

As a good tax-paying citizen, it is my duty to spend at least 52 seconds in one week to remember the difficulties faced by the government in running this country and the soldiers in protecting the country. I must undergo this rigorous process for a guilt-free popcorn munching trip for the next three hours and for the cheese burst pizza I will eat after the movie.

Also, I must confess, although, I love watching only the Pahlaj Nihalani brand of clean entertainment, I don’t mind a few censored kisses (required there are no Pakistanis in the film) or for that matter even a Grand Masti. What I suggest, the national anthem must be played again at the end of the movie. So that when I leave the theater, I am only filled with pure nationalistic thoughts.

Now that the true Indian patriot is living his grand dream, why don’t we just make the whole process a little more fun. Can we have tri-coloured popcorns and ensure only Indian ethnic wear is allowed over the weekend in theaters? That would be a celebration of our Indianness every weekend. We will force people to buy khaadi in the name of soldier’s sacrifice. This would also increase the sale of Khaadi. Why should only the jhola carrying leftist anti-national have a monopoly over khadi kurtas?

Is the Supreme court or the Modi government listening to me?